Breastfeeding my first child was a failure. Whatever you want to call it, my son did not want my gigantic boobs in his mouth. I started pumping at 3 weeks before he starved to death, literally, and from there, luckily producing milk wasn’t a problem.
I’m definitely in a different place with my second pregnancy, but I can’t help but think it was all the negativity out there that instilled fear which in turn manifested into failure.
I can’t say it was my sons fault that he was impatient or very impatient, he’d rather have the milk come down instantly and perfectly or die. I can’t blame it on my anatomy, my nipples don’t stick out much and my breast were big enough to suffocate him. But I can say that I didn’t know what the hell I was doing, even after all the tutorials and nursing assistance I had.
I was in fear my entire first pregnancy so not googling everything wasn’t an option, even all the possible ways things can go wrong and warnings from people who aren’t like me at all. I guess I don’t regret reading all the ridiculous cautions out there, but only because It was a stepping stone for where I’m at now in a way. Anything pertaining to pregnancy and what I was “suppose to be doing” in preparation for childbirth unconsciously gave me anxiety because it was the unknown and I just wanted to be prepared and make the best situation for my baby. Looking back even my beloved yoga teacher whom I admired so much was inadvertently encouraging the wrong support for me. I mean as much as I’d love to save the environment with cloth diapers, I just can’t!
This time is different though. Now, I can not wait to breastfeed. Its like I am craving it since 21 weeks. My breast feel like they cannot wait for the physical sensation of feeding my child, much unlike my first. All the stuff I read the first time about breast feeding pain and cracking nipples this or biting too hard that, doesn’t scare me this time. In fact I’m not reading shit about pregnancy at all this time, because it freaks me out and half of it is bull shit.
My breasts were super sensitive last time, starting from the beginning of pregnancy. I would cry when my son would try to feed sometimes, but mainly because it was such a struggle for him to stay latched and I was exhausted and emotional. This time around, I don’t know maybe because my 2 year old is punching and jumping on them all the time, but my breasts are just not super sensitive thank God. I am not scared of failing at all anymore, because I already have and my baby is more than healthy, so I know its going to be ok.
I’m prepared for everything to go wrong this time and in turn I am more equipped to handle whatever happens. My closest friends and family told me to stop reading the garbage on the internet, and I would reply in my head, “webMD is not garbage,” but in a way it is. The way it states statistical facts or studies that basically everything could cause miscarriage, stillbrith or cancer is true but so is the chance that a bird could shit on your head or you could misplace your cellphone in the refrigerator. Shitty things can happen unfortunately. Expect it as a possibility, but don’t dread on it.
Don’t beat yourself up because of what you read on the internet. Write your own opinion and hit post to see how easy it is to put it out there and maybe you’ll think twice around believing so much garbage. Peace Mamma’s!